a curious thing...

What a curious thing...to be surfing the web and to find that a not so distant past lover has married. We had ended our time-truth is it was our fifth or sixth time together, dotted randomly over the past fourteen years-on a very bad footing. No reason, really, to imagine that there might be a sixth or seventh time...and yet......imagine I have.

Having been seen off with rather stern words, I did not for a moment think to weasel my way back into her affections. Rather I pledged to myself that I would work on those parts of me that could so completely poison a relationship that was, to me, to her and to all who witnessed it, informed by love.

And work I have.

I haven't wasted much time over the past year plus trying to build anything that might replace the relationship that was done in, knowing that the insecurities that bedevilled me then were still about. Yet as I have worked in my life on those areas that so completely wrecked that relationship, I have occasionally indulged in thoughts of a next chance.

Humph.

Well, it is not as though what I intended in taking on this task was contingent on reconciliation as a reward...

But there is this curious thing, this knowing that what should have been, and that until now might still have been, won't be. There is this hurt.

I will pray that marriage brings you all that the best of loves can foster in it, Adriana. Blessings

Accepting the good

One month into a new year and I have passed through it blessed with many opportunities to reflect on years past and hopes for those which may come.

I marked the beginning of this year by quitting smoking. And am happy to say that I am still quit. I cannot count the number of times that I have given up the weed over the years, but feel quite confident that this time the beast is beaten.

EfM resumed after the Christmas break and is enlivening my Christian experience in ever changing ways. What a wonderful thing, to be mentoring others and in doing so to be learning more and more myself.

I am still laid off from the farm and don't expect to be recalled until April. For all that, I go in on a regular basis and keep those things going that must be kept going.

Sheila passed away a couple of weeks ago and Dick is doing well, all things considered, but understandably is not much focused on the day to day of cranberries.

The new reality that came after both of the girls moved out in 2009 is something that has proved quite hard to come to terms with. I am happy that they are out in the world making lives for themselves. Boy though, has their going ever left a hole in my life. I suppose that a good part of not thinking much about dating after my last effort crashed last spring was tied up in doing stuff with the girls or perhaps in focusing on being the center around which their lives revolved. Hmm, that's not right. I was the anchor to which they returned when they needed to be grounded. Now? well, now we do weekly telephone calls and e-mail messaging and such.

The Diocese of New Westminster's, Vision 2018, in which I had a small part is now being implemented. I must say that the excitement that went with building the Plan has been replaced by the slow grind of enacting it. I am beginning to think that the structures of the past may be the greatest impediment to us achieving the future we have mapped out. Hopefully not. Bishop Michael Ingham has some extraordinary talents when it comes to steering a path along rocky and potholed roads. I have great faith in his ability to manage the conflicting needs that we have and to get us to where we say we want to go.

In all of the above I remind myself that there is good. Bemoaning the difficult parts does little good. Accepting the good on the other hand empowers the present and builds foundations for a strong future.